Forced to be the Fool

David, you seriously hurt me and I think you're way too mean. While signs are up for me, and you sexually lose yourself in return through that Tennis player; it still is not over, even when signs are good. (not always the most perfect grammatical skills) (not seeing myself as sucking it for you. you suck it. and this terrible trashing compromise is only for me and you. you take me down so terribly). I'm still very aware that I'm not the only woman in your life. While some men are more chauvinistically intentional to tell women they aren't the only woman alive (even when they don't even have her) you really make a woman know she's not the only one. I just don't understand how you think our relationship could keep working when you know how much of a serious monogamous demand I have, and you seem to be in favor of open relationships. Maybe you're really not like that at all. I refuse to compromise myself. I will get violent again if I have to. And this is my point, I will always be violent or upset about it. I hate being stuck in a terrible and constantly poisonous relationship. I have recently officially turned down some men. I could have slept with some men if I wanted to. You probably still are sleeping with other women, and if not, you're probably mind fucking them or flirting with them. You still havn't reduced your threat with several other women. While signs show you seem to make the choice of me, YOU STILL SEEM TO PROTECT WHAT YOU COULD HAVE WITH SEVERAL OTHERS. You're not convincing me enough. I still feel pretty betrayed and I'm going to feel betrayed by you for awhile. I know I get upset and have different periods of crying over different things but I do not like the way you feel obligated to me. Sometimes, I feel like I'm just an obligation and don't matter that much to you. I don't like the way you're not safe enough with me and don't give me much relief. ..... In my own heads up, you could be suspicious of me with Joe Flacco when I go to Baltimore. I think he was being a cat with me in a movie "Something Borrowed" at one time and he does pose a little bit of a threat. I really don't know who "Dex" is supposed to be. I guessed Joe, Tom Cruise, and Kevin (a guy I went to ORU with). I had a little bit of a mild heart attack when Kate Hudson seriously contacted me for the first time. It was mostly Dane we seemed to fight over but the actor didn't remind me of Dane at all. "Dex" and shoot I got the Darcy name wrong. I thought the Darcy name was supposed to be my character. If you ever did threaten my life for the sake of drugs; I probably would let Joe be my white knight. He is married with kids. I had a thing for him in times past, but there were a few reasons we lost interest in each other. I think he was at a Special Olympics that I went to when I was working for UCP. That was another arbitrage job nightmare. "Something Borrowed," did slap some sense into me as to why I was feeling so hated on. I had a loud hard label as a "rat/snitch" in reputation. I'd agree and disagree. To me it was my hospital story and trying to explain how many stalkers and harassers I had. My own personal "Snooki" gossip character and story can be complicated at times. I'd say it would be Denzel that you would have to worry the most over with the way you keep me threatened and get shady on me. It's so upsetting to have a high level of distrust with you. I still let you in more than you let me in. I'm trying to play it safe with you as much as I can. I can't take another slug from you. Again, if you seriously don't want me, don't feel obligated to me. Don't force yourself to stay with me. Whatever stubborn mystery or stubborn dominance you want, I wish you wouldn't be so stubborn in making me get you anymore. If you've been trying to reach me, I wish you'd be more convincing to believe than confusing and in question. I'm not satisfied that I have you enough. In the next 10 minutes or tomorrow it will be "As the David Turns"

Had to Catch it

David, whether or not you think I'm immature or an ignoramus, I think the whole transgendered thing is silly. I did see two or three signs of your "transgender" on my radar, and I don't quite understand why you would BS in the arbitrage with me more. Is it that you are close-minded with: "only women cry," and you're my crying "wife"? That is my main assumption. Maybe you felt guilty in smacking me around as the man or being transgender and you didn't want me to feel alone about it. I think a lot of the transgender technicalities are mostly absurd and silly. While men and women have their own general characteristics; I think some people can take labeling too far. I know some people take wanting to be another gender seriously, and I have never been one of those types. In my occasional anger, when I think the weight is on me too much, the man expects too much from me, and when the man gets unfair, I have my way of thinking that I'm "the man," in the relationship because of the way I feel I am the one who is being fully relied on and feel the stronger one. I can be the stronger one on occasion, but I feel I've been so weakened through the years in bad relationships, and I feel you notice my weaknesses and your weaknesses. I'm easy to you in your own way because in my weaknesses, I am relatable and not as judgmental against yours. But, I am judgmental against you in some ways and angry against you in some ways. I don't know how strong or weak of a person you think I am. But call me insensitive, I think the transgender topic is absurd, ridiculous, and nothing that I would ever want to personally take seriously. It is just fun and games to me. I'll probably have another person on my back for the way I let myself go, who will want to have some kind of revenge, judgement, or challenge they want to harass me with. I've always been made to suffer any and every consequence in some of the most extreme and ridiculous ways. Because you're getting so emotional on me; I feel I have no other choice than to cave in on you some and be patient and wait. I have to repress my sexual urges more and save what I can for you in my own patient time. I hate Barcelona because of the movie "Vicky Christina Barcelona." That movie has always been one of my most life threatening and mean lies against me.......... My crying "wife": hugs to you David. I'm sorry we don't know each other enough to understand each other enough but you know I make the effort to share myself with you and try to find out about you and figure you out. You know I try to get to know you and understand you. I don't want to change who I am. I've never changed who I was for anyone and when I have my serious tried and true enemies that you make me uncomfortable with from time to time, I have my serious enemies and anger. You underestimate the threat that you are to me. I'm going to try to keep holding out in a more tight way for as long as I can in being patient for you.

Random

Sleep sleep sleep. I hate the poor sleep I sometimes suffer from. Although the day is sunny, it feels cloudy and rainy. I both fight the sluggishness of myself and give into it. I don't always feel like being productive but sometimes I feel even worse when I am not productive enough. I am so happy to have my computer back with my keyboard fixed. I almost feel like I have a new computer. I also have to get used to the regular "o" button again rather than the 0. The keys were missing for awhile yet functional until they were functional no more. It is no longer an annoyance or torment for me to worry about. A little punch in the wallet, but something necessary to do. ..... Movies. It has been awhile since I have been able to catch up on some Netflix movies. I watched Alexander and the extremely bad day and it was actually a better movie than what I thought it would be. I laughed several times in it. I'm starting to get a little crush on Steve Carrel. I'm not sure why Steve is the man that he is, but I can't help but smile and let myself have a little bit of wonder. Maybe he isn't as innocent of a person IN REAL LIFE but I like a lot of the innocent and harmless roles that he plays. (Not saying he could actually be harmless). I hate to say to the actual actor that a lot of his history with me is a blur. Some memories, but not everything sticks. I think it would be foolish of me to talk about him more......... This weekend is going to be a hard working weekend coming up. I originally planned on Thur Fri and Sat, but I just can't do 3 days in a row like that with this particular job. I would have probably made more money if I had worked tonight than last night and I should have because I have done it before. Weekdays are unpredictable and I really would have thought that I would have made more money earlier in the week. Anyhoo, it is supposed to be Mountainfest and Biker weekend. Tons of bikers are in Morgantown. Saturday is both a bike wash and Barbeque starting earlier at 2. When working 3 days a week, I would have been weak putty on Sat. (the day we start early). Hopefully the efforts to save my energy will pay off. So many random expenses have been flown on me these past 2 weeks, it is another reason I feel a little drab. Gotta save $$$ for vaca and a place to live AND I HATE SOME OF THE $$$ HURDLES. Stressed, somewhat depressed, and times of pain. I gotta make it. I have to make it. God bless my future.

Where Am I?

Where am I? Am I buying into you? Is me being seduced into you anything more than that? ho hum. "Jekyl and Hyde" bipolarisms from both of us to each other. ?Both of our anger and hate is against not being loved.? We murder each other for love? ~thoughts and listlessness~ Tired of the game. Tired of the abuse. Tired of the lies and reminded of the violent history you were and the terrible murderous, backstabbing, terrorizing, suffocating, mutilating, cheating, lying choices you've made. I'm in listless pain and tired. Are you really attempting to backstab and lie against me as being the one to control your love of anyone? I think you would or had or have admitted my attitude of "you can have him." I'm sick and tired of the lying and controlling games. I'm sorry that you had the rapist delegation of authority you had and the conquestial credit you have, had, or would give people over my life. Your manipulations, lies, and conquestial way of life has always been the same. Do I think that just because you are retiring that you would all of a sudden stop being subjective and OCD obsessed with authority and leadership? I'm glad that I know I was never your sell-out and never made any attempt to connect more or have any more relation with you. I don't regret it. I'll never regret it. Although I feel I've already been scarred as a slave and indentured servant; I still know the choice that I've always made against you and your delegations. I don't understand how you think I would ever trust you again. You could still be the same sick joke, but if you really had a "decent proposal," I'm most doubting and listless. I don't understand your change of heart. I don't want your pity. If I have no choice, I'd play along as much as I could handle, but I'm not sure when my next raging fit for your castration would be. I know I'm being seduced into you with the vibe that it's only you and I on an island together, but I'm not making the choice to die or to be murdered by you. I'm crying on the inside and listless.

You need to get it

I hate you for the emotional and social integrity you never had. You were always going to be too fascist and prejudiced against me and you could have at least tried a little harder in being honest with yourself and honest with other people. You should know by know how violently you've broken my heart in so many ways. You should know you have offended and murdered me in more ways than I can count. You should know there have been many times you never made sense and we were never on the same page. You should know slavery is wrong and you should have paid more attention to your actions and what it means to enslave or subject a person to another. You should know how deep of a scar that was and will always be. I am so sick of your lies and denial you have with other people. I am so sick with how much you keep my truth ignored or unheard of and let people get away with their arrogance that much. Their arrogance and vanity has turned into rape one too many times. Jon, there are desperate people out there who would run the whole field to take advantage of any hint of my emotion. There are violent crackheads that don't know what they're talking about that you would still trust over me. There are people who are so vain and go all the way with their arrogance. You don't understand the paranoia that I have had because people have always gotten away with their lies and their arrogance that much. People give themselves way too much credit when they think they "have me," or have me won or beat. Not only do they give themselves too much credit, they take their credit too far in their violently insane crackhead tyranny that it has always been. It is like you have lived to disappoint me in the most desperately extreme ways. Some people may have had some of my time, conversation, or acknowledgement, but that was all it was. I just don't understand why you think you have game when you subject and enslave me to yourself and others. I HAVE NEVER BEEN THE ENEMY YOU ARE AND I WILL NEVER BE AS LOW AS YOU. You just don't get how much you have angered and disgusted me through the years and the way you have never given up on your controlling will to live and intentionally keeping me in terror with not just what your will to live is, but the dominance you think your will to live deserves. I hate your and other's crackheaded dominance. You're my dumb savage barbarian for life. I know this has been my problem too many times. I know there have been some serious violent and vain pigs who keep trying to say this same thing against me. I know I was never guilty as much as they are. I know I have already outmodeled the hypocrite I never was. I hate anyone who dares test my own model knowing how guilty they are of giving themselves too much credit and dominion. I know Katie, Bree Ann, and Erin are the most guilty. Stacy knows the intentional retard dog of a tormenter she is. I just don't understand the times you know you know you are evil and think you still have game or a chance with me. You need to get that you don't. Fuck you and your "rightful" sense of dominance.

Murdered Meat

........Where to begin with you.......... Cat and Mouse games,, Are you being serious or this is another childish sucker punch game? I'm too mature and out of class with you or anyone else's sucker punch games..... So, I am just going to continue with the stance of you wanting me and wanting to be with me and how I feel about everything. I feel like I'm not going to win no matter what happens. Why you would say the things you said and be the hateful and severely morbid lying betraying beast and you to keep wanting me aside all coming from you, I just don't know. I can't take anymore pain. I would wish you be as gentle and quiet as you could while I ramble on in a screaming mess. Besides the way I know I've been murdered by you; I fear I don't know the worst of it all. Perhaps you brush off your own self and forget some of your other murderous words or actions, and I come to find out about it later and make sense of how it effects me in the present........ I see nothing but potential pain in my future regardless of the measure of running from you or giving in to you. I don't know if you ever regret the way you made me anyone and everyone's loser or the ways you have betrayed me and let me down. Even though there is a permanent and still painful scar over the way you have already made your choices, it matters that you regret yourself. I just don't think you comprehend how much you hurt me. Your prejudices against me have hurt me more than anything. There is one thing in being rejected and another in being violently rejected and damned. I have had an endless sob because more often than any other feeling, I feel like I have always been your indentured servant. It was never ok to keep egging me on in a serious political viewpoint or even a joking one on your belief in imperialism. I try not to let myself think of the slave labor too much, or the things you value too much. Even if I tried to lie to myself it would always have been that much more impossible of denying being your indentured servant. I just don't think you could ever comprehend enough how you have made me feel through all these years and the way you have always denied or looked over my murderous cry for help. You just don't seem to understand how much you have hurt and betrayed me. I will always look down on you and have GREAT doubts against you. I have a lot of other things on my mind right now that I could talk about, but I'm not going to talk about everything at once. I think this is all that I'm going to say today.

...thoughts....

Some new things and some old things... A new gym was just built in our town recently. Very nice gym. This is the most convenient gym that is in this town. Mostly for me anyway because of the location. It is like less than 5 minutes from me and is open 24/7. It also has massage chairs and a water massage bed. The max amount of minutes is only 5 to 10 minutes though. hmph. I wonder if there is a longer option available where a person just simply pays a little more. I haven't found out yet. I also have yet to take a tour. It has been way too busy with its opening and everything. Another cool thing "Planet Fitness," is a franchise where if I ever went out of town, I could take advantage of my membership in another gym. I know I'm not traveling much yet though. .... Paul Rudd. Besides the obvious news of him knocking up some random woman; I think there is something going on with him. HOWEVER, I'm not going to go there with him right now because there might be some kind of guessing game or competition that comes along with his kit and caboodle where I already know I'm not changing who I am. ... In a different direction: about the second anchor man and what went on in that incident. I don't know what the recent arbitrage is. If I do have a Paul, I don't know who my Paul is. I know it isn't Edward, and Edward already took his own route where I lost interest. If I have anything recent to say about just giving up or giving in, it is still a yes and a no. I am not a permanent structured program where he can push a button and I just choose to give in and sexually lay my life down for him or any other matrix Paul Rudd. I'm not permanently one way or another when it comes to resolving a fight or argument. It isn't even that I'm giving up on my Veronica either. I know I still have too much integrity, honesty, and correct adequacy than so many people. I've always been smart enough to know not everything is about my Veronica and not everything is about arguing or exploits of the media. Some people's out of control behavior and over assumptions were never my responsibility. Their lack of integrity was my responsibility. And back to Paul, not everything is worth arguing about. ..... The rest of the guys with "As the Sarah Turns," .... I still have interest in some old and some new ones. Through time I wait out and lose interest or gain interest in them or someone new. I'm still not committed to anyone. I feel comfortable in saying I have a couple of boyfriends, but know there have been no serious decisions made in me being with any of them. ....... Other random thoughts.... I have some but my blog is done.