Thoughts and a little bit of drama...

Back from the vacay and it was mostly nice. Nothing I could do about the weather, but I was swimming in the ocean much earlier today. I have a big work load tomorrow with the Whiskey Rebellion festival, then plan on working during the night... I didn't make much the week before vacation, and didn't make anything during vacation. I have to catch up before the move. This is the first year for the Whiskey Rebellion, so I'm not sure how it will go. At least the space was free; I had to take a free pass. In Cumberland, I wouldn't be surprised if there was some catch, but maybe it is experimental for everybody... So much going on right now....... It almost looks like the political world wants or needs me. I am getting two pulls right now that I can see, but I'm already booked and busy with life as it is already. I'm not thrilled to be involved in any politics right now, and I think I do have a few baits that only have a political ulterior motive.................Drama... Despite another Stockholm that is serious and scary; I think I'll think out loud over Mike right now. I really like Mike and he seems like a really nice guy. While I have some hesitance; I really like some of the times that he takes control. I like the fantasies and his seduction. Sometimes, I pull out my thesaurus for better word replacements, because "like," seems like a very bland and vague term to describe it, but I don't have the time for some serious detailed nit-picking of words. This is all summed up and to my point. Anyway, despite the things I know I like, I was going to be a more laid back and somewhat thoughtless of a decision-maker. If he is a dead-end with no ideal match over what I'm after, why should I lead myself on more? Why give myself any kind of hope? I really wasn't going to care (part of me still doesn't care about whatever consequence) but I will have to let myself feel some kind of pressure anyway... He could be into open-marriages (which still is not a good thing) he could be "my pilot" (which was also Sidney's proposition) ("Pilot" from "The Terminal") There is something about Mike's pilot, where I could just be that flight attendant for whatever period of time with me knowing how the story goes. (That pilot did not ever leave his wife and the flight attendant stuck with him as a doormat anyway and she should have felt like a Coco). I wasn't going to care for a time for a reason: I think these thoughts are all too rushed. I think it is thinking way too ahead where there is still no official introduction or meeting. I've never been into open marriages as either the married person or unmarried swinger and never will be. I am his wife's asshole because if he wanted me; I'd let it happen. I can't really let myself chase him. Not right now. There is still too much I don't know and it would be too foolish of me. ........... More danger lies ahead with the most recent. I see him more as a jackass than I would with Travis. He is already in too much of a dangerous situation and when his timing is so off he comes out of nowhere for me for some reason anyway. (He really does come off as too violent, mean, and hateful). Maybe he does feel he needs someone like me for whatever reason in his troubled time but I seriously don't know where he is coming from and why he picks me? Did he have a share with David before where my ammo was never meant for him and only David? What did I do to this guy? Why is he targeting me? I know I don't know him and I think he knows and understands that. I really have nothing to say to him. If he does want to murder me or bring serious harm that I don't think I could handle, I seriously don't think he has reason to be so hostile and violent with me. I don't have anything to say. I don't know what he means to be and why he would take me. ...... drama in another world; and in my other, a busy day and festival tomorrow..........

Random

If there is one thing that I can't complain about it is that I have had such good sleep in the past 3 days. Good sleep is sleeping at least 8 hours and feeling well rested. I'm just so stressed and anxious with last week and this week. My schedule got messed up over a few things and it will be messed up again this upcoming week because there is supposed to be more snow! I'm so mad. It was already messed up enough and I'm antsy with both jobs. I may be able to work out a different schedule, but I might have to wait to work until the weekend at my other job. I'm not really tight with money right now, but I'm still anxious to keep building my savings and getting other expenditures out of the way. I like to have my plans planned out and being able to maintain my flow. I actually get to have some more time on my hands, but I'm still stuck with the anxiety of it all. Crafting crafting crafting..............

Blasted Arbitrage

Jack, First off: something recent. I'm not going into the details of it, and although I think you were recently a little too violent for me, I didn't get over you or want to give you up or reject you. Although our jealousy over each other hasn't got too big, it takes one to know one. I know I havn't got violent with you yet, and havn't felt entitled to be. My other reason for being upset, is that I know I don't always understand what is going on with you or what some of your messages or signals are. I'm crazy for you.... There have been things going on that I can't control and I don't know the "why's" of everything and what everyone's stories are. People get in trouble with me, I sometimes push back/ get myself in trouble, yet know that there will always be some kind of reaction. While I have never stopped thinking the way some people react to me is so unfair and wrong, there are some consequences I am defenseless in being made to live with anyway. In some different times and moments, the lack of control I have over my life are tougher than other times. I am not intentionally trying to mess up with you, hurt you, or make you feel threatened. Please don't hate me..... I seriously don't understand everything that is going on with some particular people and however you're included in relating to them or having shares in their arbitrage. There is a lot I don't know or can make sense of right now. While I second guess myself in thinking you don't want me enough and don't really get that jealous of me and maybe I am feeling more guilty than I should, I still believe you have some jealousy for me. I don't know how serious you are, and I'm not looking for a license to cheat based on your seriousness. I don't think it is always fair for the way you seem to be jealous, but I was having some lust and love for it. I was getting a little horny over the thought of you wanting to go "50 shades of grey" on me, but it is being interrupted because of how the arbitrage is being played and the way I know I'm not at fault. I'm sorry I'm not getting whatever it is I should get and what people's stories are. I'm sorry I can't control the way the arbitrage is being played. Please don't hate me when or if I get pounced by someone. Please don't think I'm intentionally provoking, threatening, or wanting to hurt you.

Jack

I'm glad you're still in my mind in some ways... I need to be babied by you. Sometimes, it seems a person can never have both lust and friendship and you can only have one or the other. It seems mostly lust but I still have my emotional voids that are sometimes harder to explain than others. I need to be able to emotionally care for someone and be cared for. I feel I've never been in a relationship that I can call that much of a relationship, but I also can't deny that I've had some relationships with some men. I let myself win with my hard relationship critic anyway because I don't think some men understand how much I want to feel like I'm in a normal relationship and how much it matters to me. I'm big on being a libertarian with emotions and love. People can't force emotions and they can't force acts of love. Sometimes, people have their mind made up while other times they have to be in their own waiting game. I want to get to know you more but don't always know how or how to find out what I should know. I'm not being a big critic against "would you fight for my love?" In the most literal way. I have figurative questions to ask in a minute. But just to make sure we're on the same page and I'm not judging you, some people do need to be told that their love is wanted sometimes. People need to be told when they are really wanted and people should understand that it is ok to have expectations and expectations that are more than reasonable to expect. I'm keeping my anger of some of my bad relationships pushed aside, but it isn't that I've ever had things said to me in the worst way, or forced to face a mean, unfair, and extremely unreasonable expectation. ..... "Would you fight for my love?" figuratively. ... Was it really Quinn you were looking at? Were you looking at me? If you were meaning to make Quinn your focus, were you almost wanting to say it to me in a passive way knowing I didn't quite catch onto you yet? Did you really notice me before and I should feel like shit in the worst way because I just didn't wake up to you and recognize you and that you were personally there? Do you still have feelings for Quinn? Is there any strong relationship still there? In the most straightforward way, is it the thought of Quinn and I hooking up a turn on and something you want to happen, or would you feel betrayed by me if I more than let something get started? Should I feel betrayed by you? Does Angelina and Brad Pitt's "By the Sea," have any truth in it? Although I see Jon as so long ago, I could see some of the truth to our relationship, but I never accepted myself as a married wife to him. Some time concepts seem to be so extremely off. I know while I never made any connection with you when I was at the Blue Parrot for a month, I didn't even make any connection with Jon around that time either. I think I was talking to Collin around that time, which had a bad ending too. Jon's stalking levels were high in the first year and a half while I have been working as a dancer, but I feel he's left me alone a little more. I know Jon's stalker is still there in some ways, but he is another person I keep ignored and don't see much of a purpose or reason to pay any more attention to him. I would have guessed the male neighbor in the movie to be Trump Jr., but I wonder of you and how much of a truth is in the whole story. Was Quinn a brief fling of yours, or have you stuck it out with her the whole time? ......... I honestly think Quinn would be too much and more of a trouble for me to get involved any further with. I think she is going to be too much trouble and drama I don't feel I need..... While I have a certain level of content with you right now, I'm still in a fear with you with my idealism. What if you are like the most of men: bisexual and wanting an open relationship? It's like there is a brief period of time where I can enjoy you and be had, and then you would want to keep whatever your same routine is. It is like your routine is something to fade back into where it is like something and nothing at all to stay in what could be an open/swinging lifestyle. ... You see I'm fragile and an angst and you don't want to startle me just yet with the type of man you are. Maybe you're not like that at all, or maybe I have a strong stereotype over people who have wealth and fame where the majority is like that. I think you know you have me, but you're being quiet and leaving me in wonder... Until then, I'm still thinking of you..........

As the Sarah Turns: Staying on top

While I feel I am my own pest; I force myself to keep shop with my drama anyway. There is a certain way I want to disappear, but I'd rather not feel buried alive with a lesser control and forced to lose to the world's terrible assumptions. in box/out box............. Jack is the man I want to chase after the most and drama is kept the same. I feel a little bit of fear for the things I don't know about Jack and what his serious desires and directions in life are. Big Ben has me humbled and shy and I don't really know what to say to him. I'm still on my guard in some ways because he doesn't have my entire trust, but he has my friendship to an extent. The copper the copper the copper and my filter with his arbitrage....: Corey O. no, I lost interest in him and would definitely bet he has betrayed me in too much of a significant depth. Randy, no no no. He was a one time fling who I will never find attractive again. I see him as a desperate barbarian behind my back too. Jim F. I havn't talked much about him but I know he lurks around. He is another barbaric man obsessed with his own domination games that I'm disgusted with too. I'm not attracted to him like that at all. There are one or two other men who I can't talk about yet and am staying hesitant with. The original copper, I feel I have nothing further to say. The original copper has me perplexed and confused while I remain on guard. After all of my briefness and discretion; I could never feel like such a whore. The in and out box keeps coming, and I feel a distressed player. Until then, signing off

Shaking my head

My main statement to this blog is: "It's not that I'm naïve." Whatever cheating games continue to go on are still stupid games to me: http://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/love-sex/7-ways-to-keep-a-healthy-dose-of-mystery-in-your-relationship/ss-AAgNUsx?li=BBnb7Kz ..... With some other signs; it looks like Jon is a main talker and instigator that wants to wreck and/or fuck with relationships. I know how much Jon lies and how much I get made up. I wouldn't question that he lies and makes things up about others too. If not, it is greatly exaggerated. If I were to suck it for you, I would have more specific bickering, and explanations of comparisons and competition of innocence. My biggest rage is: it's not me, it's you. I have a long standing angry stare and I don't feel like I'm being outsmarted or shown up by you at all. Maybe Jon is a dominant person in your life that you've had your own problem with all along. Maybe your prime stubbornness is "Nobody wrecks or breaks up with your girlfriends but you." But, you sure take your time in bullshitting with people and add on more mind games when most mind games should have already shut the fuck up after some point. This is another reason why I feel very ignored. I'm not impressed at all by your gaming, and your sense of fairness. I think you're a pig. While I have a little more banter to say; I really don't have much more to say than that or anything that I would see as being "new." This looks like another cheap loophole, avoidance, and cheap mean desperation of yours.

Forced to be the Fool

David, you seriously hurt me and I think you're way too mean. While signs are up for me, and you sexually lose yourself in return through that Tennis player; it still is not over, even when signs are good. (not always the most perfect grammatical skills) (not seeing myself as sucking it for you. you suck it. and this terrible trashing compromise is only for me and you. you take me down so terribly). I'm still very aware that I'm not the only woman in your life. While some men are more chauvinistically intentional to tell women they aren't the only woman alive (even when they don't even have her) you really make a woman know she's not the only one. I just don't understand how you think our relationship could keep working when you know how much of a serious monogamous demand I have, and you seem to be in favor of open relationships. Maybe you're really not like that at all. I refuse to compromise myself. I will get violent again if I have to. And this is my point, I will always be violent or upset about it. I hate being stuck in a terrible and constantly poisonous relationship. I have recently officially turned down some men. I could have slept with some men if I wanted to. You probably still are sleeping with other women, and if not, you're probably mind fucking them or flirting with them. You still havn't reduced your threat with several other women. While signs show you seem to make the choice of me, YOU STILL SEEM TO PROTECT WHAT YOU COULD HAVE WITH SEVERAL OTHERS. You're not convincing me enough. I still feel pretty betrayed and I'm going to feel betrayed by you for awhile. I know I get upset and have different periods of crying over different things but I do not like the way you feel obligated to me. Sometimes, I feel like I'm just an obligation and don't matter that much to you. I don't like the way you're not safe enough with me and don't give me much relief. ..... In my own heads up, you could be suspicious of me with Joe Flacco when I go to Baltimore. I think he was being a cat with me in a movie "Something Borrowed" at one time and he does pose a little bit of a threat. I really don't know who "Dex" is supposed to be. I guessed Joe, Tom Cruise, and Kevin (a guy I went to ORU with). I had a little bit of a mild heart attack when Kate Hudson seriously contacted me for the first time. It was mostly Dane we seemed to fight over but the actor didn't remind me of Dane at all. "Dex" and shoot I got the Darcy name wrong. I thought the Darcy name was supposed to be my character. If you ever did threaten my life for the sake of drugs; I probably would let Joe be my white knight. He is married with kids. I had a thing for him in times past, but there were a few reasons we lost interest in each other. I think he was at a Special Olympics that I went to when I was working for UCP. That was another arbitrage job nightmare. "Something Borrowed," did slap some sense into me as to why I was feeling so hated on. I had a loud hard label as a "rat/snitch" in reputation. I'd agree and disagree. To me it was my hospital story and trying to explain how many stalkers and harassers I had. My own personal "Snooki" gossip character and story can be complicated at times. I'd say it would be Denzel that you would have to worry the most over with the way you keep me threatened and get shady on me. It's so upsetting to have a high level of distrust with you. I still let you in more than you let me in. I'm trying to play it safe with you as much as I can. I can't take another slug from you. Again, if you seriously don't want me, don't feel obligated to me. Don't force yourself to stay with me. Whatever stubborn mystery or stubborn dominance you want, I wish you wouldn't be so stubborn in making me get you anymore. If you've been trying to reach me, I wish you'd be more convincing to believe than confusing and in question. I'm not satisfied that I have you enough. In the next 10 minutes or tomorrow it will be "As the David Turns"