Jack

I'm glad you're still in my mind in some ways... I need to be babied by you. Sometimes, it seems a person can never have both lust and friendship and you can only have one or the other. It seems mostly lust but I still have my emotional voids that are sometimes harder to explain than others. I need to be able to emotionally care for someone and be cared for. I feel I've never been in a relationship that I can call that much of a relationship, but I also can't deny that I've had some relationships with some men. I let myself win with my hard relationship critic anyway because I don't think some men understand how much I want to feel like I'm in a normal relationship and how much it matters to me. I'm big on being a libertarian with emotions and love. People can't force emotions and they can't force acts of love. Sometimes, people have their mind made up while other times they have to be in their own waiting game. I want to get to know you more but don't always know how or how to find out what I should know. I'm not being a big critic against "would you fight for my love?" In the most literal way. I have figurative questions to ask in a minute. But just to make sure we're on the same page and I'm not judging you, some people do need to be told that their love is wanted sometimes. People need to be told when they are really wanted and people should understand that it is ok to have expectations and expectations that are more than reasonable to expect. I'm keeping my anger of some of my bad relationships pushed aside, but it isn't that I've ever had things said to me in the worst way, or forced to face a mean, unfair, and extremely unreasonable expectation. ..... "Would you fight for my love?" figuratively. ... Was it really Quinn you were looking at? Were you looking at me? If you were meaning to make Quinn your focus, were you almost wanting to say it to me in a passive way knowing I didn't quite catch onto you yet? Did you really notice me before and I should feel like shit in the worst way because I just didn't wake up to you and recognize you and that you were personally there? Do you still have feelings for Quinn? Is there any strong relationship still there? In the most straightforward way, is it the thought of Quinn and I hooking up a turn on and something you want to happen, or would you feel betrayed by me if I more than let something get started? Should I feel betrayed by you? Does Angelina and Brad Pitt's "By the Sea," have any truth in it? Although I see Jon as so long ago, I could see some of the truth to our relationship, but I never accepted myself as a married wife to him. Some time concepts seem to be so extremely off. I know while I never made any connection with you when I was at the Blue Parrot for a month, I didn't even make any connection with Jon around that time either. I think I was talking to Collin around that time, which had a bad ending too. Jon's stalking levels were high in the first year and a half while I have been working as a dancer, but I feel he's left me alone a little more. I know Jon's stalker is still there in some ways, but he is another person I keep ignored and don't see much of a purpose or reason to pay any more attention to him. I would have guessed the male neighbor in the movie to be Trump Jr., but I wonder of you and how much of a truth is in the whole story. Was Quinn a brief fling of yours, or have you stuck it out with her the whole time? ......... I honestly think Quinn would be too much and more of a trouble for me to get involved any further with. I think she is going to be too much trouble and drama I don't feel I need..... While I have a certain level of content with you right now, I'm still in a fear with you with my idealism. What if you are like the most of men: bisexual and wanting an open relationship? It's like there is a brief period of time where I can enjoy you and be had, and then you would want to keep whatever your same routine is. It is like your routine is something to fade back into where it is like something and nothing at all to stay in what could be an open/swinging lifestyle. ... You see I'm fragile and an angst and you don't want to startle me just yet with the type of man you are. Maybe you're not like that at all, or maybe I have a strong stereotype over people who have wealth and fame where the majority is like that. I think you know you have me, but you're being quiet and leaving me in wonder... Until then, I'm still thinking of you..........

As the Sarah Turns: Staying on top

While I feel I am my own pest; I force myself to keep shop with my drama anyway. There is a certain way I want to disappear, but I'd rather not feel buried alive with a lesser control and forced to lose to the world's terrible assumptions. in box/out box............. Jack is the man I want to chase after the most and drama is kept the same. I feel a little bit of fear for the things I don't know about Jack and what his serious desires and directions in life are. Big Ben has me humbled and shy and I don't really know what to say to him. I'm still on my guard in some ways because he doesn't have my entire trust, but he has my friendship to an extent. The copper the copper the copper and my filter with his arbitrage....: Corey O. no, I lost interest in him and would definitely bet he has betrayed me in too much of a significant depth. Randy, no no no. He was a one time fling who I will never find attractive again. I see him as a desperate barbarian behind my back too. Jim F. I havn't talked much about him but I know he lurks around. He is another barbaric man obsessed with his own domination games that I'm disgusted with too. I'm not attracted to him like that at all. There are one or two other men who I can't talk about yet and am staying hesitant with. The original copper, I feel I have nothing further to say. The original copper has me perplexed and confused while I remain on guard. After all of my briefness and discretion; I could never feel like such a whore. The in and out box keeps coming, and I feel a distressed player. Until then, signing off

Shaking my head

My main statement to this blog is: "It's not that I'm naïve." Whatever cheating games continue to go on are still stupid games to me: http://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/love-sex/7-ways-to-keep-a-healthy-dose-of-mystery-in-your-relationship/ss-AAgNUsx?li=BBnb7Kz ..... With some other signs; it looks like Jon is a main talker and instigator that wants to wreck and/or fuck with relationships. I know how much Jon lies and how much I get made up. I wouldn't question that he lies and makes things up about others too. If not, it is greatly exaggerated. If I were to suck it for you, I would have more specific bickering, and explanations of comparisons and competition of innocence. My biggest rage is: it's not me, it's you. I have a long standing angry stare and I don't feel like I'm being outsmarted or shown up by you at all. Maybe Jon is a dominant person in your life that you've had your own problem with all along. Maybe your prime stubbornness is "Nobody wrecks or breaks up with your girlfriends but you." But, you sure take your time in bullshitting with people and add on more mind games when most mind games should have already shut the fuck up after some point. This is another reason why I feel very ignored. I'm not impressed at all by your gaming, and your sense of fairness. I think you're a pig. While I have a little more banter to say; I really don't have much more to say than that or anything that I would see as being "new." This looks like another cheap loophole, avoidance, and cheap mean desperation of yours.

Forced to be the Fool

David, you seriously hurt me and I think you're way too mean. While signs are up for me, and you sexually lose yourself in return through that Tennis player; it still is not over, even when signs are good. (not always the most perfect grammatical skills) (not seeing myself as sucking it for you. you suck it. and this terrible trashing compromise is only for me and you. you take me down so terribly). I'm still very aware that I'm not the only woman in your life. While some men are more chauvinistically intentional to tell women they aren't the only woman alive (even when they don't even have her) you really make a woman know she's not the only one. I just don't understand how you think our relationship could keep working when you know how much of a serious monogamous demand I have, and you seem to be in favor of open relationships. Maybe you're really not like that at all. I refuse to compromise myself. I will get violent again if I have to. And this is my point, I will always be violent or upset about it. I hate being stuck in a terrible and constantly poisonous relationship. I have recently officially turned down some men. I could have slept with some men if I wanted to. You probably still are sleeping with other women, and if not, you're probably mind fucking them or flirting with them. You still havn't reduced your threat with several other women. While signs show you seem to make the choice of me, YOU STILL SEEM TO PROTECT WHAT YOU COULD HAVE WITH SEVERAL OTHERS. You're not convincing me enough. I still feel pretty betrayed and I'm going to feel betrayed by you for awhile. I know I get upset and have different periods of crying over different things but I do not like the way you feel obligated to me. Sometimes, I feel like I'm just an obligation and don't matter that much to you. I don't like the way you're not safe enough with me and don't give me much relief. ..... In my own heads up, you could be suspicious of me with Joe Flacco when I go to Baltimore. I think he was being a cat with me in a movie "Something Borrowed" at one time and he does pose a little bit of a threat. I really don't know who "Dex" is supposed to be. I guessed Joe, Tom Cruise, and Kevin (a guy I went to ORU with). I had a little bit of a mild heart attack when Kate Hudson seriously contacted me for the first time. It was mostly Dane we seemed to fight over but the actor didn't remind me of Dane at all. "Dex" and shoot I got the Darcy name wrong. I thought the Darcy name was supposed to be my character. If you ever did threaten my life for the sake of drugs; I probably would let Joe be my white knight. He is married with kids. I had a thing for him in times past, but there were a few reasons we lost interest in each other. I think he was at a Special Olympics that I went to when I was working for UCP. That was another arbitrage job nightmare. "Something Borrowed," did slap some sense into me as to why I was feeling so hated on. I had a loud hard label as a "rat/snitch" in reputation. I'd agree and disagree. To me it was my hospital story and trying to explain how many stalkers and harassers I had. My own personal "Snooki" gossip character and story can be complicated at times. I'd say it would be Denzel that you would have to worry the most over with the way you keep me threatened and get shady on me. It's so upsetting to have a high level of distrust with you. I still let you in more than you let me in. I'm trying to play it safe with you as much as I can. I can't take another slug from you. Again, if you seriously don't want me, don't feel obligated to me. Don't force yourself to stay with me. Whatever stubborn mystery or stubborn dominance you want, I wish you wouldn't be so stubborn in making me get you anymore. If you've been trying to reach me, I wish you'd be more convincing to believe than confusing and in question. I'm not satisfied that I have you enough. In the next 10 minutes or tomorrow it will be "As the David Turns"

Had to Catch it

David, whether or not you think I'm immature or an ignoramus, I think the whole transgendered thing is silly. I did see two or three signs of your "transgender" on my radar, and I don't quite understand why you would BS in the arbitrage with me more. Is it that you are close-minded with: "only women cry," and you're my crying "wife"? That is my main assumption. Maybe you felt guilty in smacking me around as the man or being transgender and you didn't want me to feel alone about it. I think a lot of the transgender technicalities are mostly absurd and silly. While men and women have their own general characteristics; I think some people can take labeling too far. I know some people take wanting to be another gender seriously, and I have never been one of those types. In my occasional anger, when I think the weight is on me too much, the man expects too much from me, and when the man gets unfair, I have my way of thinking that I'm "the man," in the relationship because of the way I feel I am the one who is being fully relied on and feel the stronger one. I can be the stronger one on occasion, but I feel I've been so weakened through the years in bad relationships, and I feel you notice my weaknesses and your weaknesses. I'm easy to you in your own way because in my weaknesses, I am relatable and not as judgmental against yours. But, I am judgmental against you in some ways and angry against you in some ways. I don't know how strong or weak of a person you think I am. But call me insensitive, I think the transgender topic is absurd, ridiculous, and nothing that I would ever want to personally take seriously. It is just fun and games to me. I'll probably have another person on my back for the way I let myself go, who will want to have some kind of revenge, judgement, or challenge they want to harass me with. I've always been made to suffer any and every consequence in some of the most extreme and ridiculous ways. Because you're getting so emotional on me; I feel I have no other choice than to cave in on you some and be patient and wait. I have to repress my sexual urges more and save what I can for you in my own patient time. I hate Barcelona because of the movie "Vicky Christina Barcelona." That movie has always been one of my most life threatening and mean lies against me.......... My crying "wife": hugs to you David. I'm sorry we don't know each other enough to understand each other enough but you know I make the effort to share myself with you and try to find out about you and figure you out. You know I try to get to know you and understand you. I don't want to change who I am. I've never changed who I was for anyone and when I have my serious tried and true enemies that you make me uncomfortable with from time to time, I have my serious enemies and anger. You underestimate the threat that you are to me. I'm going to try to keep holding out in a more tight way for as long as I can in being patient for you.

Random

Sleep sleep sleep. I hate the poor sleep I sometimes suffer from. Although the day is sunny, it feels cloudy and rainy. I both fight the sluggishness of myself and give into it. I don't always feel like being productive but sometimes I feel even worse when I am not productive enough. I am so happy to have my computer back with my keyboard fixed. I almost feel like I have a new computer. I also have to get used to the regular "o" button again rather than the 0. The keys were missing for awhile yet functional until they were functional no more. It is no longer an annoyance or torment for me to worry about. A little punch in the wallet, but something necessary to do. ..... Movies. It has been awhile since I have been able to catch up on some Netflix movies. I watched Alexander and the extremely bad day and it was actually a better movie than what I thought it would be. I laughed several times in it. I'm starting to get a little crush on Steve Carrel. I'm not sure why Steve is the man that he is, but I can't help but smile and let myself have a little bit of wonder. Maybe he isn't as innocent of a person IN REAL LIFE but I like a lot of the innocent and harmless roles that he plays. (Not saying he could actually be harmless). I hate to say to the actual actor that a lot of his history with me is a blur. Some memories, but not everything sticks. I think it would be foolish of me to talk about him more......... This weekend is going to be a hard working weekend coming up. I originally planned on Thur Fri and Sat, but I just can't do 3 days in a row like that with this particular job. I would have probably made more money if I had worked tonight than last night and I should have because I have done it before. Weekdays are unpredictable and I really would have thought that I would have made more money earlier in the week. Anyhoo, it is supposed to be Mountainfest and Biker weekend. Tons of bikers are in Morgantown. Saturday is both a bike wash and Barbeque starting earlier at 2. When working 3 days a week, I would have been weak putty on Sat. (the day we start early). Hopefully the efforts to save my energy will pay off. So many random expenses have been flown on me these past 2 weeks, it is another reason I feel a little drab. Gotta save $$$ for vaca and a place to live AND I HATE SOME OF THE $$$ HURDLES. Stressed, somewhat depressed, and times of pain. I gotta make it. I have to make it. God bless my future.

Where Am I?

Where am I? Am I buying into you? Is me being seduced into you anything more than that? ho hum. "Jekyl and Hyde" bipolarisms from both of us to each other. ?Both of our anger and hate is against not being loved.? We murder each other for love? ~thoughts and listlessness~ Tired of the game. Tired of the abuse. Tired of the lies and reminded of the violent history you were and the terrible murderous, backstabbing, terrorizing, suffocating, mutilating, cheating, lying choices you've made. I'm in listless pain and tired. Are you really attempting to backstab and lie against me as being the one to control your love of anyone? I think you would or had or have admitted my attitude of "you can have him." I'm sick and tired of the lying and controlling games. I'm sorry that you had the rapist delegation of authority you had and the conquestial credit you have, had, or would give people over my life. Your manipulations, lies, and conquestial way of life has always been the same. Do I think that just because you are retiring that you would all of a sudden stop being subjective and OCD obsessed with authority and leadership? I'm glad that I know I was never your sell-out and never made any attempt to connect more or have any more relation with you. I don't regret it. I'll never regret it. Although I feel I've already been scarred as a slave and indentured servant; I still know the choice that I've always made against you and your delegations. I don't understand how you think I would ever trust you again. You could still be the same sick joke, but if you really had a "decent proposal," I'm most doubting and listless. I don't understand your change of heart. I don't want your pity. If I have no choice, I'd play along as much as I could handle, but I'm not sure when my next raging fit for your castration would be. I know I'm being seduced into you with the vibe that it's only you and I on an island together, but I'm not making the choice to die or to be murdered by you. I'm crying on the inside and listless.