"All is Fair in Love and War" Mad Mind

If I could have a direct, in person, bridged, and in lamen's terms conversation with my present guy I would. I am blind-sided with what I am seeing and being tested with to my face in my mind and msn. Whether or not he is talking to me or the one who puts me in restraint with whatever conversations are being had is something I don't know. He would really break my heart if he were the one restraining me in conversation and I have some apology if he is not the reason I have to treat myself to my own fair voice and keeping myself in one separate piece in a separate world. I hate that I have to question him and that the conversation has to go like this. I have been having some anxiety for sometime but the worry I have has never been said to my face by him in any personal fair way. He has had nothing but positive things to say and is comforting. He is nothing but a teddy bear to my face. I have been dealt such serious blows with being cheated on, lied to and against, tricked, and had to put up with a two-faced person. (I refuse the insecurity bondage game and don't play by those manipulative rapist rules in the worst way because a lying and cheating man can't handle that I won't let him get away with it). I know Bollywood can be confusing but it has been such an unresolved and undercorrected issue. While I have a feeling he could be a two-faced person with me, I have no other choice than to play my unfair game. I have seen some things on msn but keep it ignored. Was he being interrupted and made to assume? forced to assume? I have been more forced into an assumption game and one that is still unfair. I am in terror if he seriously is cheating on me with Stacy. I can't get over that I have to question if I am once again being battered by an intentional will to keep me raped in the worst way to my behind my back to my face? It isn't said to my face enough. While I am in terror as to whether or not I am being cheated on and robbed for Stacy or Quinn; I refuse to be called a coward for either. I'm more ignorant when it comes to Quinn and know I don't care about her drama. With Stacy, I've always been forced to take her bastard rape. It would be to my honor to be sent to prison for having treated Stacy to death threats and offenses. While I know she is the one who deserves to do the time behind bars more than I ever will; I will have some relief against feeling so lied against with her. I would have an official grit. "Hey Stacy you rapist bastard, guess what I went to jail for? I DID get someone to find me and you will never be able to lie against me in some ways like that again."..... With my present guy, has he kept me betrayed, assumed and judged against over some things, and put through some kind of punishment with whatever he assumes or judges? Has he really betrayed me? I keep some guys yelled at when I know I can believe it, but other times I can only look at them in horror and walk away while it remains a questionable unsaid mystery. I really don't know what I am to do with my present guy. There is a person who is wanting to face me though and if it isn't him; I'm not sure who. It could be the usual suspects, but I am very blind to whatever bastard is keeping me threatened with their terror, interrogations, and keeping me stared at in their isolating way. I am too blind and don't know what there is to believe. I hate that I'm feeling more forced to break in some way under pressure. I don't want to leave him and hate that I have to keep him in question without knowing how I'm supposed to bridge the very much separate worlds.

Drone Crashing/ Thoughts of Moving

I really think whoever keeps my life regulated should be treated like they are severely sick and hateful in the mind. It is like the drone regulators and look-alike drones take turns with either the look alike drone or the drone regulator but I will always be blind-sided to the drone regulator. I hate someone's dominate terrorism for the terrorism it is. Some times the regulator can be nicer than other times, but I still don't see everything for what it is to my face or where it comes from. I don't see regulating people all the time and am grateful during times of random people, but there are people and questionable messages that still come from somewhere. While I have a lot of dominate people in my life that I despise and should have a severe restraining order, Denny Williamson is one person who should do many years in jail or just get shot for the sincere sharia law believing Muslim that he is. I don't care if I see one of his look alikes doing something simple as buying a cup of coffee; I hate anyone who wants to force me to face Denny in any way. Someone is so sick to keep me in terror or a judged terror with Denny. He is a severe disturbance. He isn't the only disturbance... Back to my thoughts, with so many drones, how can some people just not get what all comes with it? I hate the challenged woman I am. I hate both said and drone challenges. It is part of feeling raped and robbed. Some people will take you in whatever cheap ass way they want and then dare you to be subjected to whatever they think or their worst intentional lies. I have hated the drone structure that lives in my life so severely. ….While I hate the stalking and molesting thought of: "You can't run from your problems," (as if I ever did), it is still there whether or not I move out of Pittsburgh. It's really there are problems that I hate being forced to put up with and seem to be there wherever I go. But some people like to act as if they have the credit anyway. It is definitely better than Cumberland, but I have a lot of enemies from there that it seems people here in Pittsburgh have more favoritism or loyalty to. I think a lot of the structure came from the hockey team, but I think there are other sources too. It was very selfish of a couple of the Penguins to threaten to keep me buried alive in the same way with the people from Cumberland like that. It was selfish of them to make me feel like my life was being damned all the more. I am still not done in wanting justice for being forced to be subjected to any of them. It was just too mean to be set up to fail and just be failed like that. I think the Penguins should be challenged as selfish chauvinistic pig Muslims who believe in a sharia law too. I don't care if Sidney is seriously gay, it was still selfish of him to have threatened my life an threatened to keep my life in torment like that. gay or not. I hate the way I feel alone with a strong bias and judgment against me. It is hard to make friends when I don't have the time, but when I feel like a bias or paranoia is there when I make effort, I just do. Even when some strangers can give a friendly paranoia, I'm still not comfortable with them having an advantage of knowing something about me with me knowing I have no idea who they are. I'm more comfortable making a friend out of someone who is already a self known stranger than someone who somehow knows about me behind my back. As long as I've been here, it just seems I'm not going to make it much further with where I am now. I really don't know where else to move. If I do, it will be 2 years from now because I won't be able to afford it. I don't even know if anything about my loneliness will ever change. There could be other places where I don't feel as threatened with someone's sharia, judgment, or bias, but how am I to know and where? So, for now, I am very undecided. Who knows if things will be different. Who knows how more threatened I'll be if my enemies give theirself that much more of a conquestial stalking credit. I already see some of their putrid credibility sometimes and I can't stand the thought of feeling so robbed and cut out of my truth. …..

A serious swallow my pride apology. Not for the sake of Justin.

There was another terrible thing I said many years ago with someone I went to school with. Some mysterious people will know who and what I am talking about. It was probably around 2007/2008. I don't even know her name. It was one of the stupidest things I ever said. It was so dumb that I deserve a bag over my head in this instance. It always seems like there has never been a good time for anything. Even with this instance, which is something that is far out dated. I was probably having a bad day with too much on my mind, Candra was probably being too dominant, and in my repressed mind I was stupidly set off. I really am sorry for it. While I'm not particularly looking at Candra for having an egocentric sense of power, I know there is an egocentric power around me. It is easier said than done when I really swallow my pride. I do not blame or hate this particular woman for the ways I suffer, get stockholmed, and get blackmailed. I still hate those who mean to Stockholm, blackmail, and molest me and give their self any reason they can to justify their self and have excuse for the murderous and rapist things they put me through. I don't want these factors ruining my apology but I mean to make it known there are certain people, very egocentric in power, who have gotten away with a large list of very awful things. I'm not done in keeping certain unknown extremely vindictive dominances stared to death. There have been particular offenses I know I want someone literally murdered for, but there are dominances in people where I want just the dominance specifically to be murdered. The person doesn't have to be; just their dominance. I was going to include other random thoughts in this one, but I think I'm just going to stick with this particular subject.

Thoughts and a little bit of drama...

Back from the vacay and it was mostly nice. Nothing I could do about the weather, but I was swimming in the ocean much earlier today. I have a big work load tomorrow with the Whiskey Rebellion festival, then plan on working during the night... I didn't make much the week before vacation, and didn't make anything during vacation. I have to catch up before the move. This is the first year for the Whiskey Rebellion, so I'm not sure how it will go. At least the space was free; I had to take a free pass. In Cumberland, I wouldn't be surprised if there was some catch, but maybe it is experimental for everybody... So much going on right now....... It almost looks like the political world wants or needs me. I am getting two pulls right now that I can see, but I'm already booked and busy with life as it is already. I'm not thrilled to be involved in any politics right now, and I think I do have a few baits that only have a political ulterior motive.................Drama... Despite another Stockholm that is serious and scary; I think I'll think out loud over Mike right now. I really like Mike and he seems like a really nice guy. While I have some hesitance; I really like some of the times that he takes control. I like the fantasies and his seduction. Sometimes, I pull out my thesaurus for better word replacements, because "like," seems like a very bland and vague term to describe it, but I don't have the time for some serious detailed nit-picking of words. This is all summed up and to my point. Anyway, despite the things I know I like, I was going to be a more laid back and somewhat thoughtless of a decision-maker. If he is a dead-end with no ideal match over what I'm after, why should I lead myself on more? Why give myself any kind of hope? I really wasn't going to care (part of me still doesn't care about whatever consequence) but I will have to let myself feel some kind of pressure anyway... He could be into open-marriages (which still is not a good thing) he could be "my pilot" (which was also Sidney's proposition) ("Pilot" from "The Terminal") There is something about Mike's pilot, where I could just be that flight attendant for whatever period of time with me knowing how the story goes. (That pilot did not ever leave his wife and the flight attendant stuck with him as a doormat anyway and she should have felt like a Coco). I wasn't going to care for a time for a reason: I think these thoughts are all too rushed. I think it is thinking way too ahead where there is still no official introduction or meeting. I've never been into open marriages as either the married person or unmarried swinger and never will be. I am his wife's asshole because if he wanted me; I'd let it happen. I can't really let myself chase him. Not right now. There is still too much I don't know and it would be too foolish of me. ........... More danger lies ahead with the most recent. I see him more as a jackass than I would with Travis. He is already in too much of a dangerous situation and when his timing is so off he comes out of nowhere for me for some reason anyway. (He really does come off as too violent, mean, and hateful). Maybe he does feel he needs someone like me for whatever reason in his troubled time but I seriously don't know where he is coming from and why he picks me? Did he have a share with David before where my ammo was never meant for him and only David? What did I do to this guy? Why is he targeting me? I know I don't know him and I think he knows and understands that. I really have nothing to say to him. If he does want to murder me or bring serious harm that I don't think I could handle, I seriously don't think he has reason to be so hostile and violent with me. I don't have anything to say. I don't know what he means to be and why he would take me. ...... drama in another world; and in my other, a busy day and festival tomorrow..........

Random

If there is one thing that I can't complain about it is that I have had such good sleep in the past 3 days. Good sleep is sleeping at least 8 hours and feeling well rested. I'm just so stressed and anxious with last week and this week. My schedule got messed up over a few things and it will be messed up again this upcoming week because there is supposed to be more snow! I'm so mad. It was already messed up enough and I'm antsy with both jobs. I may be able to work out a different schedule, but I might have to wait to work until the weekend at my other job. I'm not really tight with money right now, but I'm still anxious to keep building my savings and getting other expenditures out of the way. I like to have my plans planned out and being able to maintain my flow. I actually get to have some more time on my hands, but I'm still stuck with the anxiety of it all. Crafting crafting crafting..............

Blasted Arbitrage

Jack, First off: something recent. I'm not going into the details of it, and although I think you were recently a little too violent for me, I didn't get over you or want to give you up or reject you. Although our jealousy over each other hasn't got too big, it takes one to know one. I know I havn't got violent with you yet, and havn't felt entitled to be. My other reason for being upset, is that I know I don't always understand what is going on with you or what some of your messages or signals are. I'm crazy for you.... There have been things going on that I can't control and I don't know the "why's" of everything and what everyone's stories are. People get in trouble with me, I sometimes push back/ get myself in trouble, yet know that there will always be some kind of reaction. While I have never stopped thinking the way some people react to me is so unfair and wrong, there are some consequences I am defenseless in being made to live with anyway. In some different times and moments, the lack of control I have over my life are tougher than other times. I am not intentionally trying to mess up with you, hurt you, or make you feel threatened. Please don't hate me..... I seriously don't understand everything that is going on with some particular people and however you're included in relating to them or having shares in their arbitrage. There is a lot I don't know or can make sense of right now. While I second guess myself in thinking you don't want me enough and don't really get that jealous of me and maybe I am feeling more guilty than I should, I still believe you have some jealousy for me. I don't know how serious you are, and I'm not looking for a license to cheat based on your seriousness. I don't think it is always fair for the way you seem to be jealous, but I was having some lust and love for it. I was getting a little horny over the thought of you wanting to go "50 shades of grey" on me, but it is being interrupted because of how the arbitrage is being played and the way I know I'm not at fault. I'm sorry I'm not getting whatever it is I should get and what people's stories are. I'm sorry I can't control the way the arbitrage is being played. Please don't hate me when or if I get pounced by someone. Please don't think I'm intentionally provoking, threatening, or wanting to hurt you.

Jack

I'm glad you're still in my mind in some ways... I need to be babied by you. Sometimes, it seems a person can never have both lust and friendship and you can only have one or the other. It seems mostly lust but I still have my emotional voids that are sometimes harder to explain than others. I need to be able to emotionally care for someone and be cared for. I feel I've never been in a relationship that I can call that much of a relationship, but I also can't deny that I've had some relationships with some men. I let myself win with my hard relationship critic anyway because I don't think some men understand how much I want to feel like I'm in a normal relationship and how much it matters to me. I'm big on being a libertarian with emotions and love. People can't force emotions and they can't force acts of love. Sometimes, people have their mind made up while other times they have to be in their own waiting game. I want to get to know you more but don't always know how or how to find out what I should know. I'm not being a big critic against "would you fight for my love?" In the most literal way. I have figurative questions to ask in a minute. But just to make sure we're on the same page and I'm not judging you, some people do need to be told that their love is wanted sometimes. People need to be told when they are really wanted and people should understand that it is ok to have expectations and expectations that are more than reasonable to expect. I'm keeping my anger of some of my bad relationships pushed aside, but it isn't that I've ever had things said to me in the worst way, or forced to face a mean, unfair, and extremely unreasonable expectation. ..... "Would you fight for my love?" figuratively. ... Was it really Quinn you were looking at? Were you looking at me? If you were meaning to make Quinn your focus, were you almost wanting to say it to me in a passive way knowing I didn't quite catch onto you yet? Did you really notice me before and I should feel like shit in the worst way because I just didn't wake up to you and recognize you and that you were personally there? Do you still have feelings for Quinn? Is there any strong relationship still there? In the most straightforward way, is it the thought of Quinn and I hooking up a turn on and something you want to happen, or would you feel betrayed by me if I more than let something get started? Should I feel betrayed by you? Does Angelina and Brad Pitt's "By the Sea," have any truth in it? Although I see Jon as so long ago, I could see some of the truth to our relationship, but I never accepted myself as a married wife to him. Some time concepts seem to be so extremely off. I know while I never made any connection with you when I was at the Blue Parrot for a month, I didn't even make any connection with Jon around that time either. I think I was talking to Collin around that time, which had a bad ending too. Jon's stalking levels were high in the first year and a half while I have been working as a dancer, but I feel he's left me alone a little more. I know Jon's stalker is still there in some ways, but he is another person I keep ignored and don't see much of a purpose or reason to pay any more attention to him. I would have guessed the male neighbor in the movie to be Trump Jr., but I wonder of you and how much of a truth is in the whole story. Was Quinn a brief fling of yours, or have you stuck it out with her the whole time? ......... I honestly think Quinn would be too much and more of a trouble for me to get involved any further with. I think she is going to be too much trouble and drama I don't feel I need..... While I have a certain level of content with you right now, I'm still in a fear with you with my idealism. What if you are like the most of men: bisexual and wanting an open relationship? It's like there is a brief period of time where I can enjoy you and be had, and then you would want to keep whatever your same routine is. It is like your routine is something to fade back into where it is like something and nothing at all to stay in what could be an open/swinging lifestyle. ... You see I'm fragile and an angst and you don't want to startle me just yet with the type of man you are. Maybe you're not like that at all, or maybe I have a strong stereotype over people who have wealth and fame where the majority is like that. I think you know you have me, but you're being quiet and leaving me in wonder... Until then, I'm still thinking of you..........