Random

Sleep sleep sleep. I hate the poor sleep I sometimes suffer from. Although the day is sunny, it feels cloudy and rainy. I both fight the sluggishness of myself and give into it. I don't always feel like being productive but sometimes I feel even worse when I am not productive enough. I am so happy to have my computer back with my keyboard fixed. I almost feel like I have a new computer. I also have to get used to the regular "o" button again rather than the 0. The keys were missing for awhile yet functional until they were functional no more. It is no longer an annoyance or torment for me to worry about. A little punch in the wallet, but something necessary to do. ..... Movies. It has been awhile since I have been able to catch up on some Netflix movies. I watched Alexander and the extremely bad day and it was actually a better movie than what I thought it would be. I laughed several times in it. I'm starting to get a little crush on Steve Carrel. I'm not sure why Steve is the man that he is, but I can't help but smile and let myself have a little bit of wonder. Maybe he isn't as innocent of a person IN REAL LIFE but I like a lot of the innocent and harmless roles that he plays. (Not saying he could actually be harmless). I hate to say to the actual actor that a lot of his history with me is a blur. Some memories, but not everything sticks. I think it would be foolish of me to talk about him more......... This weekend is going to be a hard working weekend coming up. I originally planned on Thur Fri and Sat, but I just can't do 3 days in a row like that with this particular job. I would have probably made more money if I had worked tonight than last night and I should have because I have done it before. Weekdays are unpredictable and I really would have thought that I would have made more money earlier in the week. Anyhoo, it is supposed to be Mountainfest and Biker weekend. Tons of bikers are in Morgantown. Saturday is both a bike wash and Barbeque starting earlier at 2. When working 3 days a week, I would have been weak putty on Sat. (the day we start early). Hopefully the efforts to save my energy will pay off. So many random expenses have been flown on me these past 2 weeks, it is another reason I feel a little drab. Gotta save $$$ for vaca and a place to live AND I HATE SOME OF THE $$$ HURDLES. Stressed, somewhat depressed, and times of pain. I gotta make it. I have to make it. God bless my future.

Where Am I?

Where am I? Am I buying into you? Is me being seduced into you anything more than that? ho hum. "Jekyl and Hyde" bipolarisms from both of us to each other. ?Both of our anger and hate is against not being loved.? We murder each other for love? ~thoughts and listlessness~ Tired of the game. Tired of the abuse. Tired of the lies and reminded of the violent history you were and the terrible murderous, backstabbing, terrorizing, suffocating, mutilating, cheating, lying choices you've made. I'm in listless pain and tired. Are you really attempting to backstab and lie against me as being the one to control your love of anyone? I think you would or had or have admitted my attitude of "you can have him." I'm sick and tired of the lying and controlling games. I'm sorry that you had the rapist delegation of authority you had and the conquestial credit you have, had, or would give people over my life. Your manipulations, lies, and conquestial way of life has always been the same. Do I think that just because you are retiring that you would all of a sudden stop being subjective and OCD obsessed with authority and leadership? I'm glad that I know I was never your sell-out and never made any attempt to connect more or have any more relation with you. I don't regret it. I'll never regret it. Although I feel I've already been scarred as a slave and indentured servant; I still know the choice that I've always made against you and your delegations. I don't understand how you think I would ever trust you again. You could still be the same sick joke, but if you really had a "decent proposal," I'm most doubting and listless. I don't understand your change of heart. I don't want your pity. If I have no choice, I'd play along as much as I could handle, but I'm not sure when my next raging fit for your castration would be. I know I'm being seduced into you with the vibe that it's only you and I on an island together, but I'm not making the choice to die or to be murdered by you. I'm crying on the inside and listless.

You need to get it

I hate you for the emotional and social integrity you never had. You were always going to be too fascist and prejudiced against me and you could have at least tried a little harder in being honest with yourself and honest with other people. You should know by know how violently you've broken my heart in so many ways. You should know you have offended and murdered me in more ways than I can count. You should know there have been many times you never made sense and we were never on the same page. You should know slavery is wrong and you should have paid more attention to your actions and what it means to enslave or subject a person to another. You should know how deep of a scar that was and will always be. I am so sick of your lies and denial you have with other people. I am so sick with how much you keep my truth ignored or unheard of and let people get away with their arrogance that much. Their arrogance and vanity has turned into rape one too many times. Jon, there are desperate people out there who would run the whole field to take advantage of any hint of my emotion. There are violent crackheads that don't know what they're talking about that you would still trust over me. There are people who are so vain and go all the way with their arrogance. You don't understand the paranoia that I have had because people have always gotten away with their lies and their arrogance that much. People give themselves way too much credit when they think they "have me," or have me won or beat. Not only do they give themselves too much credit, they take their credit too far in their violently insane crackhead tyranny that it has always been. It is like you have lived to disappoint me in the most desperately extreme ways. Some people may have had some of my time, conversation, or acknowledgement, but that was all it was. I just don't understand why you think you have game when you subject and enslave me to yourself and others. I HAVE NEVER BEEN THE ENEMY YOU ARE AND I WILL NEVER BE AS LOW AS YOU. You just don't get how much you have angered and disgusted me through the years and the way you have never given up on your controlling will to live and intentionally keeping me in terror with not just what your will to live is, but the dominance you think your will to live deserves. I hate your and other's crackheaded dominance. You're my dumb savage barbarian for life. I know this has been my problem too many times. I know there have been some serious violent and vain pigs who keep trying to say this same thing against me. I know I was never guilty as much as they are. I know I have already outmodeled the hypocrite I never was. I hate anyone who dares test my own model knowing how guilty they are of giving themselves too much credit and dominion. I know Katie, Bree Ann, and Erin are the most guilty. Stacy knows the intentional retard dog of a tormenter she is. I just don't understand the times you know you know you are evil and think you still have game or a chance with me. You need to get that you don't. Fuck you and your "rightful" sense of dominance.

Murdered Meat

........Where to begin with you.......... Cat and Mouse games,, Are you being serious or this is another childish sucker punch game? I'm too mature and out of class with you or anyone else's sucker punch games..... So, I am just going to continue with the stance of you wanting me and wanting to be with me and how I feel about everything. I feel like I'm not going to win no matter what happens. Why you would say the things you said and be the hateful and severely morbid lying betraying beast and you to keep wanting me aside all coming from you, I just don't know. I can't take anymore pain. I would wish you be as gentle and quiet as you could while I ramble on in a screaming mess. Besides the way I know I've been murdered by you; I fear I don't know the worst of it all. Perhaps you brush off your own self and forget some of your other murderous words or actions, and I come to find out about it later and make sense of how it effects me in the present........ I see nothing but potential pain in my future regardless of the measure of running from you or giving in to you. I don't know if you ever regret the way you made me anyone and everyone's loser or the ways you have betrayed me and let me down. Even though there is a permanent and still painful scar over the way you have already made your choices, it matters that you regret yourself. I just don't think you comprehend how much you hurt me. Your prejudices against me have hurt me more than anything. There is one thing in being rejected and another in being violently rejected and damned. I have had an endless sob because more often than any other feeling, I feel like I have always been your indentured servant. It was never ok to keep egging me on in a serious political viewpoint or even a joking one on your belief in imperialism. I try not to let myself think of the slave labor too much, or the things you value too much. Even if I tried to lie to myself it would always have been that much more impossible of denying being your indentured servant. I just don't think you could ever comprehend enough how you have made me feel through all these years and the way you have always denied or looked over my murderous cry for help. You just don't seem to understand how much you have hurt and betrayed me. I will always look down on you and have GREAT doubts against you. I have a lot of other things on my mind right now that I could talk about, but I'm not going to talk about everything at once. I think this is all that I'm going to say today.