"All is Fair in Love and War" Mad Mind

If I could have a direct, in person, bridged, and in lamen's terms conversation with my present guy I would. I am blind-sided with what I am seeing and being tested with to my face in my mind and msn. Whether or not he is talking to me or the one who puts me in restraint with whatever conversations are being had is something I don't know. He would really break my heart if he were the one restraining me in conversation and I have some apology if he is not the reason I have to treat myself to my own fair voice and keeping myself in one separate piece in a separate world. I hate that I have to question him and that the conversation has to go like this. I have been having some anxiety for sometime but the worry I have has never been said to my face by him in any personal fair way. He has had nothing but positive things to say and is comforting. He is nothing but a teddy bear to my face. I have been dealt such serious blows with being cheated on, lied to and against, tricked, and had to put up with a two-faced person. (I refuse the insecurity bondage game and don't play by those manipulative rapist rules in the worst way because a lying and cheating man can't handle that I won't let him get away with it). I know Bollywood can be confusing but it has been such an unresolved and undercorrected issue. While I have a feeling he could be a two-faced person with me, I have no other choice than to play my unfair game. I have seen some things on msn but keep it ignored. Was he being interrupted and made to assume? forced to assume? I have been more forced into an assumption game and one that is still unfair. I am in terror if he seriously is cheating on me with Stacy. I can't get over that I have to question if I am once again being battered by an intentional will to keep me raped in the worst way to my behind my back to my face? It isn't said to my face enough. While I am in terror as to whether or not I am being cheated on and robbed for Stacy or Quinn; I refuse to be called a coward for either. I'm more ignorant when it comes to Quinn and know I don't care about her drama. With Stacy, I've always been forced to take her bastard rape. It would be to my honor to be sent to prison for having treated Stacy to death threats and offenses. While I know she is the one who deserves to do the time behind bars more than I ever will; I will have some relief against feeling so lied against with her. I would have an official grit. "Hey Stacy you rapist bastard, guess what I went to jail for? I DID get someone to find me and you will never be able to lie against me in some ways like that again."..... With my present guy, has he kept me betrayed, assumed and judged against over some things, and put through some kind of punishment with whatever he assumes or judges? Has he really betrayed me? I keep some guys yelled at when I know I can believe it, but other times I can only look at them in horror and walk away while it remains a questionable unsaid mystery. I really don't know what I am to do with my present guy. There is a person who is wanting to face me though and if it isn't him; I'm not sure who. It could be the usual suspects, but I am very blind to whatever bastard is keeping me threatened with their terror, interrogations, and keeping me stared at in their isolating way. I am too blind and don't know what there is to believe. I hate that I'm feeling more forced to break in some way under pressure. I don't want to leave him and hate that I have to keep him in question without knowing how I'm supposed to bridge the very much separate worlds.

Drone Crashing/ Thoughts of Moving

I really think whoever keeps my life regulated should be treated like they are severely sick and hateful in the mind. It is like the drone regulators and look-alike drones take turns with either the look alike drone or the drone regulator but I will always be blind-sided to the drone regulator. I hate someone's dominate terrorism for the terrorism it is. Some times the regulator can be nicer than other times, but I still don't see everything for what it is to my face or where it comes from. I don't see regulating people all the time and am grateful during times of random people, but there are people and questionable messages that still come from somewhere. While I have a lot of dominate people in my life that I despise and should have a severe restraining order, Denny Williamson is one person who should do many years in jail or just get shot for the sincere sharia law believing Muslim that he is. I don't care if I see one of his look alikes doing something simple as buying a cup of coffee; I hate anyone who wants to force me to face Denny in any way. Someone is so sick to keep me in terror or a judged terror with Denny. He is a severe disturbance. He isn't the only disturbance... Back to my thoughts, with so many drones, how can some people just not get what all comes with it? I hate the challenged woman I am. I hate both said and drone challenges. It is part of feeling raped and robbed. Some people will take you in whatever cheap ass way they want and then dare you to be subjected to whatever they think or their worst intentional lies. I have hated the drone structure that lives in my life so severely. ….While I hate the stalking and molesting thought of: "You can't run from your problems," (as if I ever did), it is still there whether or not I move out of Pittsburgh. It's really there are problems that I hate being forced to put up with and seem to be there wherever I go. But some people like to act as if they have the credit anyway. It is definitely better than Cumberland, but I have a lot of enemies from there that it seems people here in Pittsburgh have more favoritism or loyalty to. I think a lot of the structure came from the hockey team, but I think there are other sources too. It was very selfish of a couple of the Penguins to threaten to keep me buried alive in the same way with the people from Cumberland like that. It was selfish of them to make me feel like my life was being damned all the more. I am still not done in wanting justice for being forced to be subjected to any of them. It was just too mean to be set up to fail and just be failed like that. I think the Penguins should be challenged as selfish chauvinistic pig Muslims who believe in a sharia law too. I don't care if Sidney is seriously gay, it was still selfish of him to have threatened my life an threatened to keep my life in torment like that. gay or not. I hate the way I feel alone with a strong bias and judgment against me. It is hard to make friends when I don't have the time, but when I feel like a bias or paranoia is there when I make effort, I just do. Even when some strangers can give a friendly paranoia, I'm still not comfortable with them having an advantage of knowing something about me with me knowing I have no idea who they are. I'm more comfortable making a friend out of someone who is already a self known stranger than someone who somehow knows about me behind my back. As long as I've been here, it just seems I'm not going to make it much further with where I am now. I really don't know where else to move. If I do, it will be 2 years from now because I won't be able to afford it. I don't even know if anything about my loneliness will ever change. There could be other places where I don't feel as threatened with someone's sharia, judgment, or bias, but how am I to know and where? So, for now, I am very undecided. Who knows if things will be different. Who knows how more threatened I'll be if my enemies give theirself that much more of a conquestial stalking credit. I already see some of their putrid credibility sometimes and I can't stand the thought of feeling so robbed and cut out of my truth. …..

A serious swallow my pride apology. Not for the sake of Justin.

There was another terrible thing I said many years ago with someone I went to school with. Some mysterious people will know who and what I am talking about. It was probably around 2007/2008. I don't even know her name. It was one of the stupidest things I ever said. It was so dumb that I deserve a bag over my head in this instance. It always seems like there has never been a good time for anything. Even with this instance, which is something that is far out dated. I was probably having a bad day with too much on my mind, Candra was probably being too dominant, and in my repressed mind I was stupidly set off. I really am sorry for it. While I'm not particularly looking at Candra for having an egocentric sense of power, I know there is an egocentric power around me. It is easier said than done when I really swallow my pride. I do not blame or hate this particular woman for the ways I suffer, get stockholmed, and get blackmailed. I still hate those who mean to Stockholm, blackmail, and molest me and give their self any reason they can to justify their self and have excuse for the murderous and rapist things they put me through. I don't want these factors ruining my apology but I mean to make it known there are certain people, very egocentric in power, who have gotten away with a large list of very awful things. I'm not done in keeping certain unknown extremely vindictive dominances stared to death. There have been particular offenses I know I want someone literally murdered for, but there are dominances in people where I want just the dominance specifically to be murdered. The person doesn't have to be; just their dominance. I was going to include other random thoughts in this one, but I think I'm just going to stick with this particular subject.