Today has seemed like a dark day.
I get around town a little bit, but there has been a lot of negativism and even moments of serious hatred on both ends.
I hate to act so ugly, but I really let my anger out sometimes. I see more vanity online where I am once again being belittled or where someone gives themself glory for "beating me up." Whatever. arrogant sons of bitches.
Too much hostility and violence today though that is certain.
I'm upset for myself.
I think I may have some men coming onto me, but I don't know what to think. If some passes are true, I'm very flattered, filled with a little unbelief too.
Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I guess some moments bring out a person's real character and colors, but I can't help but sometimes be cynical. I wonder if I'm just part of a game, game play, or in agreement with a possible glory someone else had. I guess I just hate that choosing success sometimes brings out some unexpected attractions and I hate to feel I'm only loved after I'm popular or after I have made an action that wasn't really intended to prove myself. Maybe I am over obsessed with finding an unconditional love where it ruins it, and maybe I am just ridiculous because of it. What happens when some of the glory fades a little? What happens if I'm focused on other things that don't bring about a sharp popularity or success? Maybe I should just stop thinking about the idea altogether and have fun where I am. I guess because I think different, its harder to.....
I barely know either of the guys. I'd give them a chance if I had the opportunity. With one, it feels like the ball is already rolling with him, but yet I feel unaware of a lot of things and it seems something just isn't right. They put it obvious enough in my face where I should assume, but I don't get all connections or really like how the communication is going out. I don't like his system.
The other guy seems like he really wants to put on a happy face and work to impress me. I wonder if he completely represents himself or if I should be paranoid with someone else. I don't know if the ball is rolling with him. It seems more like an initial pass or sign of interest. If the ball is rolling, I don't like his system either.
I still see a lot of men right now who look like Moscow. I don't know what to think right now. Maybe he feels bad about the boob comment and is trying to be an extremist against silicone to say he is sorry. I think its actually cute and funny if it is an apology. I want to make clear my reason of anger: It is not that I am against getting a boob job. It is the fact of the ultimatum. It is the fact that he rejected me just because of the boobs. He all of a sudden cares for some reason. He looks like he is taking it back, but the first impression really makes him look like a womanizer, shallow, and I have a bad memory. He was not easy to follow. I question if he is connected to a couple of men in this town where someone may have been using him to pimp someone else.
A police officer
and I notice a dude that drives around in an orange mustang that looks like him who I have seen once or twice before.
I obviously don't like Moscow's system either.
I really want communication on my terms.
